the hysterical woman

The HYSTERICAL female patient

Women, by their very design are meant to be more in touch with their bodies. We were built to make other people — that’s how sophisticated our bodies are. Given that this task is not as easy as the advertisements with cute little 23 year old pregnant women, glowing, suggests -- I think we do a decent job. Up until we do this amazing thing, we have the incredible array of hormones (I know, guys get them too but after puberty, you’re pretty much off the hook), while women get them hopefully only until after the after effects of menopause - God, I hope that’s right — do we still have to deal with them after the initial postpartum stage?! Oy — I pray the answer is NO). We get periods from a range in ages (my kids are pissed because they all are kind of short and they blame me (the one with tall genes — cousins that are 6’7” — I’m not lying) on the fact that I gave them organic milk. Anyway — we start with periods, PMS, the aches and pains and emotions that go along with it. We used to be put in tents at one point because nobody wanted to be around us — including us!). It’s not fun.

STATUS | P R E G O

A lot of women like pregnancy. I did until I ended up in preterm labor and had to endure the ridiculous side effects of Aseptic Meningitis from the medicine they administer to halt labor. I knew something was wrong when I thought I was having an outer body experience with my family in my hospital room, the TV going, and my head about to burst. (See pic below -- even though that's not actually my brain, I wish it was it looks like a good one).

Then came magnesium — Ice chips, chills, wanting to die. I, in my body’s unique fashion, landed with magnesium toxicity. At that point, my husband crying in the corner (and yet still eating the chocolate frozen yogurt I had been craving in a ridiculous way) was actually consulted because my stats didn't look too good. They stopped the magnesium and did an amnio (which broke my water but didn't even really matter at this point because it shed light on the fact that a) there was an infection and the baby had to come out and b) it was a girl — and they do better than white boys (wimpy white boy thing — that’s real too — I’m not sure if the world outside of the NICU knows about it but it is real). So the baby had to come out. Worried about delivering my less than two pound baby, I was given an epidural that I immediately had a bad reaction to — so it was stopped (wait, I don’t know how they stop an epidural but whatever they were giving me, they stopped). And then peace. Just me, Andre, and Dr. Lin (who was such a crazy amazing trooper through all of this that I still just think really good, warm thoughts for him). We talked about Thai food and baseball and then after 20 minutes, the peaceful part ended and our beautiful ginger baby came into the world. There was a serious team of NICU people who do not mess around. My mother-in-law, in the waiting room, jumped up as they came out with Maya, rushing to the NICU in whatever she was in (incubator of some sort) and Lisa, our ginger nurse yelled, “Back off, Lady! Back off!” This didn’t phase Renee who came back and said of our child who was the size of a stretched out frog (not toad), “She has really long arms and legs. I think she’ll be tall.” This made me fall in love with my mother-in-law, who I already dearly loved, a million times over again — who ever gets anyone better in their life than that?!

Okay, so I’ve established that I didn’t really have the most serene pregnancies. But some women do and I’m happy for you. I think, “Well, that’s probably what an uncomplicated pregnancy looks like," — although I secretly think they’re faking it.

So if you are catching the gist of where I’m going with all of this — and I’m not even to Perimenopause, Menopause, or Postmenopause — women have to be in touch with their bodies. We have a shitload of stuff going on at all times and I think that it has been very much overlooked, misunderstood, resented, and mocked. The idea of the hysterical female patient makes me really pissed — and also makes me lean more, as I get older, to female physicians. Not because I secretly think they’re smarter (shhh, I do), but because despite their ability to undeniably relate, (unless they are phonies, then screw them for screwing us), but if they’re normal, they realize the magnitude and sophistication of our bodies/breeding plants/bodies. Plus, to be honest — I know, again, I’m using a stereotype, but they kind of seem like better listeners or at least are very good at acting like they’re following along during an appointment.

Full Circle

Do you really think that we want to spend this much time thinking about the shit that is going on in our bodies? No, actually, we don’t. It’s annoying to us too that the guys don’t have any of this going on and that we carry the weight of keeping the world populated. Add on the truly amazing hard work that is decent prenatal care (Umm -- no alcohol, caffeine or sushi) while we’re tired because our body is being used for growing a human and we’re also maybe looking after the other humans we’ve already created -- that's a lot!

So guess what to any doctor (male or female) that dismisses women as “hysterical” — that is such a stupid way to look at your complex patient. Bend your brain. Maybe med school needs to add in a course that suggests stepping into the shoes of your patient — male or female. We all deserve the same care and for all the extra work our bodies were (not by our own choosing) designed/designated to do, you could at least show some respect — ESPECIALLy — if you have children and your poor wife birthed them while you were starting out your career in medicine (sorry — that seemed a little mean but for those in the training world — you know what I mean).