bonding at ikea

I took my daughter to Ikea today -- a two hour drive. Her room, for two years, has remained repainted in a very pretty gray, but unadorned. I got her a piece of art, which she liked, but stayed in a position of about to be hung for 2 years. I respected her blank canvas as I watched her navigate hard teenage years and the struggle for identity, what she liked, what exactly she wanted to surround her.

Life changes very quickly. I used to wish it to pass by as fast as possible during uncomfortable times -- teenage years for myself that were confusing and awkward, (sadly) the years when my kids were little and I felt overwhelmed by the needs of so many and felt so inadequate in being everything to everyone. No one can tell you at that time in your life that it is all okay -- mostly because your friends are in the exact same spot and we can't see the other side. My mom was sick -- and the priority of being her caregiver and she unwell left our relationship less of a life lesson in the sense that she could reassure me it was all okay wasn't possible-- rather it was a constant balance from day to day on just surviving -- trying to find something to carry us through -- all of us -- my mom, my kids, my husband, and me. We made it through -- with sadness and sorry to say a lot of numbness and forgetting.

I would never change the role of taking care of my mom. That is something in life that I feel is essential -- and in my mind critical to completing the life cycle. I had that opportunity with both of my parents and its hard to imagine not being able to be there for them. If I could have changed the timing -- that's a totally different story.

Today, I look at the ripples of life after everything settles (so far). I will acknowledge that I lost some really important time with my young children -- and the affects of this absence has reared itself in ways that seem subtle but nevertheless present in the make up of each one of them. I have one who was so wild but sensitive that when, exhausted at the end of the day, I would get to her room and she was in high spirits -- battle mode -- sometimes I just lost it. It scared her and since I grew up at a time when parents were scarier than our present generation and my norm was probably too permissive, I would reassure myself that it was okay for my kids to have a little fear of me -- I was terrified of setting my mom off as a kid. But this was different -- I wasn't my mom -- this wasn't that time and everything in me today regrets that I scared my child by being so unraveled and impatient.

You can't make up for everything in life -- but good intentions and more importantly -- TIME and ATTENTION given to them is a balm that does work itself into achy hearts. Driving with one kid, your time solely with them, is almost magic. That suspension of everything else sometimes can only happen on a drive -- a contained space and a mostly definitive amount of time. Walking through a store and hearing, seeing, what your kid has to say or likes is so cool. Seeing your kid become the amazing individual that they are meant to be is truly satisfying. Letting your guard down as a parent and just considering their ideas -- presenting a loop perspective -- lets take it all in and then come back and figure it out -- was a fun process. Not immediately saying no was a fun process. Letting them consider, considering together -- it was an exercise in respect for them, their ideas and their individuality -- respect for us in considering a budget for these things -- it was gratifying.

I know a trip to IKEA isn't always feasible or desirable for a lot of people. We were clueless of the long weekend and the open day became an opportunity that I am so glad we grabbed.