being nice

I have found the strangest behavior in the place that I grew up, and maybe everywhere -- being nice trumps being honest. I realize there are awkward situations in life that we need to manage, and also just the the simple matter of being polite, both things critically important for a functional society -- and both happen frequently.

What I find weird, however, is when you are close with someone (or people) and they don't trust that you have the emotional ability to manage feedback/feelings in regards to your relationship with them. Whenever there is a miscommunication or simply a differing need/want in a relationship, I think oftentimes it is assumed that it is kinder/easier to avoid and be nice rather than just say, hey -- this I my capacity/what I have going on in my life, or I simply don't want or cannot meet this expectation. It's hard to admit these things because nobody wants to offend somebody else -- but truly it may essentially be more about your own comfort level than even theirs. We're always worried, think we're being nice by not hurting the other person's feelings by saying this. I'd like to suggest otherwise.

If you are straight and clear with someone, I am in no way saying being rude or callous, you honor their time and feelings as well. When you cannot do this, you rob the person of perspective. A lot of people tend to be self-conscious or critical and when they do not understand withdrawal, they tend to assume they have done something wrong -- they begin to doubt themselves. We could all spare each other a lot of unnecessary angst if we just said, "you know what, Sam, right now I'm taxed this way or that . . . I'm sorry, I can't really engage on this or that level." That clears up so much. Never leave people to devise their own ideas about what went wrong . . . because I can tell you for certain that a lot of people can and will conjure up much worse reasons for your withdrawal than whatever you provide them.