sunday struggle

I woke up this morning and decided that all I was going to do was nothing for the entire day except read the newspaper.

I wasn't even going to get out of my pajamas, which wouldn't matter too much because I essentially go to bed fully clothed anyways, literally wearing my favorite Gap button down shirt -- not even a flannel. So if anyone jolts me out of bed at 11:30 a.m., (which according to my Apple phone that wishes me Good Morning and Good Afternoon, etc.), is still considered morning. Anyway, when on the incredibly rare occurrence that one finds me like this, I'm almost half way presentable.

My struggle has been that I cannot sit still. I am overly productive doing what some (Andre) may think are non-essential things. All day I have been conflicted with the self-care mantra, "I'm going to chill today," and then find myself doing something.

The arguments in my head are nonstop right now. Example, I'm getting rid of my piano today so I went out to the garage to wipe off seven years of dirt from it. I then am embarrassed that the garage is messy so I begin to sweep up leaves, etc. I make a pile in the center of Andre's garage stall and remind myself to stop doing what I'm doing. I go into the house and decide to shower, breaking another promise. After I shower I am shuffling through a drawer looking for a favorite pair of underwear, passing over panties that I haven't worn forever or actually ever. I'm annoyed by this ritual so I decide to remove the ones I don't wear, doing that little thing where you say a blessing, thanking them and then getting rid of it thing, and then caught myself again. I take one pair out, toss it onto the floor of my closet and walk away. As I move through the room, past my bed, and I'm super OCD about having my bed made every day, I compulsively start to make it. I catch myself and leave one of the throw pillows off. See how annoying my day is becoming? How do people ever just sit down and relax? I'm like the mouse in the story, "If you give a mouse a cookie . . . " that constantly finds the next thing to do. Ugh.

I decide to really clean the piano and realized I should get one of those magic erasers. I went inside to get the eraser and on my return wiped down a bunch of smudges I noticed on the wall. As I wiped the keys down, memories of playing the piano at 2 a.m in the old house's basement flood over me. I would sit down there with a glass of wine clunking out Come Sail Away by Styx, The Rose by Bette Midler, and of course, Piano Man by Billy Joel. The only song I ever seriously attempted to master was Edelweiss because I sang this song to my kids when they were little and it is a part of my SOMS (Sound of Music Syndrome, which has been referenced in earlier posts -- it is stupid, no need to go back and read).

The piano became my compromise in a day of nonstop inner bickering. I went back into the house and grabbed a beer, wiping off the beverage drawer thingy, noticed and took a balanced break snack simply for the messaging on the top, "Take 10 for Some Zen), and headed back to the garage to abuse the piano one last time. Cringe from musical instruments around the world. Side note -- I couldn't find any sheet music so I had to go to Andre's office to print off Piano Man. I kid you not. the only freebie site I can find for sheet music, which I still ended up having to screen shot and print also listed other "likely pieces." Yes -- you guessed correctly if you just shouted out, "The Rose," by Bette Midler. Since it is Sunday. --