the last episode of shameless

The end to the never-ending pain of life

We watched the last episode of Shameless last night. I dropped off here and there over the years/storyline but still felt compelled to see it end. I wondered how they could come up with something that created a sense of closure? Despite missing major moments in the characters' lives, the theme held strong -- life can be so insanely, impossibly hard . . . and?

I’m not going to lie, I've been in my own sad gray cloud of life just now. I sat and wondered when everything becomes so impossibly hard, that the greatest thing about life that stresses me out is forced participation. We’re all supposed to be contributing at an expected level even when the playing field changes . . . .Oh those expectations never end. Okay, I'm not 100 percent on the exact words, but essentially it was this, “If you want to feel good, find a bigger loser than yourself,” says Frank Gallagher on the final episode. Wow -- such insanely flawed advice to give to someone feeling like shit. I think we often do that -- shame someone struggling, remind them of those worse off, instead of letting them recompose themselves in their own time frame. Yes, I agree, we all have to keep in mind those who are suffering more (and I doubt Frank was even saying this) -- and believe me, I think this idea has been drilled into my head since I could first say "hello, how are you?," to a stranger. It's not a competition. This strategy is like putting a discarded bandaid, full of germs over your own wound when find yourself suffering. Underneath this unhealthy attempt of concealment, your wound not only doesn’t heal, it festers, grows deeper, working into your blood until you, eventually, become septic. But it was Shameless -- so kind of perfect in that respect. I got what Frank was saying -- it just made me think.

I have struggled lately with the ideology of just keep moving (in social worlds, etc) despite the very deep emotional toll it requires. When are we allowed a time out? They are all over sports . . . and yet, it seems that unless you are bleeding out, you don't necessarily need or deserve one.

I love all of my family, friends, my community and I'm calling my own time out. I need to take some deep breaths, perhaps consult with a coach, whatever. So if I miss a text or something . . . I'm still here and love you. I just need to catch my breath.