without a plan

I moved to Lyon, France after my dad died.

College was a less than ideal time for me. I went to school not knowing what I even wanted or what I was doing, not even thinking this was a place I chose, but I was there, so suck it up. By spring semester I had torn my esophagus at a frat party and my poor mother got a call in the middle of the night from an ER doctor to come get me.

Crisis Connie was on it and I was admitted to the now defunct eating disorder unit at University of Michigan. My bags were rummaged through, we had a very serious, sterile intro regarding a list of 3 NO foods -- meaning things you truly never ever want to eat -- for me it was simply melon (musk and honeydew) and fish. After that, I was brought to my room, met my nurse, Ed, who would be my shadow for my entire stay -- so many special moments that were shared (although Ed was always the perfect gentleman and looked away as I undressed, peed, showered, whatever you do when you don't realize your every move is being watched kind of thing).

I don't think many people understand eating disorders. I had one and I hardly understand it. When my mother met with doctors at U of M they told her it was rare that people ever fully recover from them. I beat that. I will say to you, insecurity and body dysmophia aside, I spent so much time with people truly suffering with a mind-bending, soul-altering disorder that I was jolted awake and realized that I did not, could not, continue down this path. I didn't want this to be my world. I didn't ever want to end up imprisoned by my own mind in something like this ever again.

As a result, I became incredibly aware of everyone and everything around me. I learned exactly what I needed to learn so that I could graduate into a healthier life. I can't say it has been completely perfect but I worked my ass off to get there ultimately. I bounded through the periods of weight with babies, aging, menopause -- the gamut. It still sucks but after being a witness to that period of my life was so impactful, it will never leave me.

Life is all about experiences. We're very afraid and intimidated, but the ones we don't devise on our own typically end up being the most meaningful. We gain our greatest strength through our hardest moments. For me, learning to not fall apart was important. Learning to live without my parents in different stages of my life has also taught me this — when your dad dies when he is 47 years old, it doesn't take you very long in life to realize how much was lost, At 24 entering a career with colleagues that were close to my dad's age, I suddenly was able to really understand how truly young he was. I learned from that loss the lesson of how precious the whole thing is, how stupid it is to sweat the small things when there are so many big things that await us -- save up that energy.